Last Will And Temperament
By The Frantics
Available on Frantic Times, cbc Records lm484, 1984
Executor: As the executor of Mr. Muldoon's estate, I have been empowered to read Mr. Muldoon's Last Will And Testament.

Hedge: Well, get on with it, the bars open soon.

Jenny: Oh, poor, dear Arthur! Waaaa!

Hank: Oh, there, there, Jenny.

Ralston: God, how predictably boring.

Mrs. Mulroy: I never worked for a kinder man.

Executor: If we are all seated, I shall proceed with the reading.

Ralston: I knew it.

Hedge: Heh heh heh heh.

Executor: "I, Arthur Durham Muldoon, being of sound mind and body…"

Hedge: That's a laugh!

Executor: "… do hereby divide up my considerable estate as follows. To my overly emotional sister, Jenny…"

Jenny: Waaaa!

Hank: Jenny, darling, he's talking about us.

Jenny: Oh.

Executor: "… who grubbed with her husband, Hank, grubbed for everything they could get from me, and then cried crocodile tears when I needed sympathy…"

Jenny: What?

Executor: "… To Jenny, I leave a boot to the head."

Jenny: A what?

*Bonk! *

Jenny: Ow!

Hank: Jenny, are you okay?

Executor: "… and another boot to her wimpy husband, Hank."

*Bonk! *

Hank: Ow!

Hedge: Hahahahaha…

Jenny: This is an outrage!

Executor: "… ah, but still, you are my sister, you have both admired my Rolls Royce, and since I no longer need it…"

Jenny: Oh, dear Arthur, he's too kind!

Hank: Yes.

Executor: "… I bequeath another boot to the head."

Jenny: What?

*Bonk! *

Jenny: Ow!

Hedge: Hahahaha…

Executor: "And one more for the wimp."

*Bonk! *

Hank: Ow!

Executor: "Next, to my alcoholic brother…"

Hedge: Hey, I don't want no boot to the head!

Executor: "… to dear Hedge, who has never worked a day in his drunken life…"

Hedge: I'm coverin' up my head!

Executor: "… I leave my wine cellar and three crates of my finest whiskey."

Hedge: Really?

Executor: "And a boot to the head."

*Bonk! *

Hedge: oh!

Executor: "And another for Jenny and the wimp."

*Bonk! *

Jenny: Oh!

*Bonk! *

Hank: Ow!

Executor: "Next, to my know-it-all nephew, Ralston…"

Ralston: This is so predictable…

Executor: "… I leave a boot to the head."

*Bonk! *

Ralston: Uh! I knew it.

Executor: "And one for Jenny and the wimp."

*Bonk! *

Jenny: Ah!

*Bonk! *

Hank: oh!

Executor: "This takes care of family obligations. And now, to Mrs. Mulroy…"

Mrs. Mulroy: Oh, uh, I don't want nothin'.

Executor: "… who took care of me faithfully these many, many years, who cared, made me laugh, brought me tea…"

Mrs. Mulroy: Oh, I didn't mind.

Executor: "To Mrs. Mulroy, I bequeath a boot to the head."

*Bonk! *

Mrs. Mulroy: oh!

Executor: "And one for Jenny and the wimp."

*Bonk! *

Jenny: ah!

*Bonk! *

Hank: oh!

Executor: "And so, to my cat Mittens, I leave my entire vast… boot to the head!"

*Bonk! *

*Meow! *

Executor: "And finally, to my lawyer, who has helped me on this will, I leave not a boot to the head… but a rabid Tasmanian devil, to be placed in his trousers!" Ooohhh! Oh, huh huh huh huh, and, and, "… and I leave my entire estate of million to the people of Calgary so they can afford to move somewhere decent!" Huh.

Hank: Is that it?

Ralston: That's it?

Hedge: That's disgraceful.

Executor: There's one last thing for everyone.

Hedge: Cover your heads, everybody!

Executor: "I leave everyone a lifetime supply of ice cream."

Hank: Ice cream?

Hedge: Ice cream?

Ralston: Ice cream, that's all?

Executor: That's all.

Mrs. Mulroy: Well, what flavor is it?

Executor: Boot to the head!

*Bonk! * *Bonk! * *Bonk! * *Bonk! *

All: ow!