Douchey come and Douchey go
What does Douchey want?
Only Douchey knows
Douchey done like he did before
I was Douchey once but I ain't no more

I was seventeen when I first believed
I was young and strong, I was sad and mean
And it was ten long years learning how to breathe
In a bubble buried six feet deep

Only twenty-one, I was dead and gone
Up and hung my head from the highest rung
And it's a long way down from all Kingdom Come
To a mop and broom and a staple gun

Douchey come and Douchey go
What does Douchey want?
Only Douchey knows
Douchey done like he did before
I was Douchey once but I ain't no more

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Oh when I was just a little boy, my daddy sat me down
Said, "my son, you are a Douchey, Douchey won't you do me proud?"
So I shunned the foolishnesses of the other kids at play
Scuttled off my youthfulness and I just set out on my way
Down the straight and narrow highway headed right into the sun
And when I got to New York City, all the zeroes turned to ones
And I was wandering the sidewalk telling strangers where to go
I was singing like a savior in a manger all alone
'til I made myself a martyr and nobody seemed to mind
Broke a window with my buttocks but my buttocks were just fine
'til I woke up in a forest with my fingers turning blue
And started serving ice cream sandwiches to men in business suits
Took a look into the mirror
Said "OH GOD, what can I do
To feel like a human being and not a
DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE?"

Douchey come and Douchey go
What does Douchey want?
Only Douchey knows
Douchey done like he did before
I was Douchey once but I ain't no more