Twas praying to the heavens just the other night
When in through the door walked Jesus Christ
He showed me proof, he had nail holes in his hands
And thirty nine scars on his unclothed back
So I decided to profit off this 'Christ'
If Falwell can do it, then why can't I?

I went to the man to get him appraised
And he just laughed into my face
He said "There's not much value in God these days"
There's not much value in G-O-D

I tried the museum but the answer was the same
Here I was stuck with a God I couldn't even give away
It turned out my 'Christ' wasn't even worth a cent
I ended up ditching the guy on some church's step

I went to the man to get him appraised

That was a while ago and I haven't seen him since
But when I do, I'm gonna thank him for making me rich
Meanwhile, I stack the coins on my money stuffed bed
I couldn't sell Jesus, so I sold the story to the 'National Enquirer' instead

I went to the man to get him appraised