He was quiet, he was shy
A stay-at-home sort of guy
Someone you'd trust your sister with
Had a twinkle in his eye
Yet they say he was psychotic
They say psychotically disturbed
He was mentally unbalanced, a schizophrenic mass murderer with severe personality disorders
They used their jargonistic words
So he killed and mutilated
Served his victim on a tray
But Jeffrey Dahmer was my friend, okay?
Tuesday nights we'd go out bowling
And he'd blow those pins to hell
He'd watch what he'd eat
And it watched him as well

Friends, friends
We can all be friends
If we just let the little hurt
Between us mend

I met him at the circus
He was hiding in the dark
Pulling funny faces
Making people laugh
They say he was a freak
They say genetically deformed
Should have sold his body to science
The minute he was born
But he'd just smile and say,
"[slurp] You've all been very kind."
Yes, yes, John Merrick, the Elephant Man
Was a friend of mine
We'd all go out on blind dates
Hessian bags over our heads
We never slept like normal kids
We'd sit straight up in bed

Friends, friends
We can all be friends
If we just let the little hurt
Between us mend

He was a painter, quite artistic
He had that suave panache
A tasteful brown shirt
And a cute toothbrush moustache
Yeah, he loved his German Shepherd
Walking by the babbling brook
Watching blond haired, blue eyed children
Setting fire to books
Yet they say he was a monster
Rhe leader of the Reich
But Adolf Hitler he was my friend, alright?
He loved to go out dancing,
Really dug the human league
And that song by Alice Cooper,
"Only Women Bleed"

Friends, friends
We can all be friends
If we just let the little hurt
Between us mend

Friends –
He murdered 17 million of the bourgeoisie
But Joseph Stalin was a friend to me!

Friends –
Some say he shot the president – is that crime?
Lee Harvey Oswald was a friend of mine

Friends –
He pillaged, was the scourge of Eastern Europe
But Ghangis Khan was my good rocking buddy!

Friends –
She's cute, sort of awkward, her closes barely fit her
But Myra Henley was my baby-sitter

Friends –
Charlie Manson never killed Sharon Tate
He's "Lucky Chucky" to his mates

Friends –
David Koresh never died in that fire
He's our friend, our buddy, our messiah

Friends –
Jack the Ripper gave his heart to me

Friends –
Idiah Min and I played quoits

Friends –
Margaret Thatcher was a pitcher, not a catcher

Friends –
Pol Pot was a friend of mine

Friends –
Noriega was a friend of mine

Friends –
Ceaucesu was a friend of mine

Friends –
Pinochet was a friend of mine

Friends –
Michael Jackson was a friend of mine…

Come on, boys, can't we love one another?
Even Oedipus had a mother

Friends, friends
We can all be friends
If we just let the little hurt
Between us mend

Friends, friends
We can all be friends
If we just let the little hurt
Between us mend