Officer, good evening, allow me to explain
The spectacle you see beside this road.
It's been a long, hard day, and I am just a victim
Of circumstances beyond my control.
Now let me just assure you that I'm not a drinkin' man;
I work hard to uphold the law.
Those people in that other car are friends of my ex-wife,
And no matter what they told you they saw…

Chorus:
The car was upside down when I got here;
I left it right side-up some time ago.
Some kids drove by and poured somethin' all down my shirt;
It might have been tequila, I don't know.
I stepped into the woods for a midnight prayer,
I don't know what went down while I was not here,
But that stop sign was on the hood when I bought the car,
And the car was upside down when I got here.

Officer, my reputation speaks for itself,
I'm as innocent and gentle as a child.
That fistfight with my mama, that was three months ago;
I can't believe that's still on my file.
Now a conscientious peacekeeper such as yourself
Must surely recognize an honest guy,
And since most of my money goes to charitable causes,
I can't afford a dwi…