Well we're sitting here in Allentown,
And he's driven our lives into the ground,
When we woke up we were wasted and drunk,
Phil got shot,
We got beaten by a monk,

I was happy and my life was good,
Getting married like a dentist should,
Roasting marshmallows on a stick,
I got fucked in the ass,
By a chick with a dick,
(Alan: I remember that…)

And we're sitting here in Allentown,
But they're taking Teddy's finger now,
And I'm pretty sure I'm gonna loose my shit,
And shoot Alan in the face,
… Then shoot myself